Stay Home Moms, by Angie Alexander

So, you know how people are always saying “if only I were 15 again…”? YEAH RIGHT!!! Not only was I going through the craziest times in a young girls’ life, but I got pregnant with my first daughter. “How could this happen?” Oh, I know how it happened, but it wasn’t supposed to make me pregnant! All my friends were doing those things too, but nobody gets pregnant, right? Wrong.

But, I still finished high school, listening to everyone in class talking about what they were doing each Friday night, while I knew that I would be changing diapers. If I got really lucky, we might even have saved enough money to eat out, at McDonald’s no doubt!

Then I went on to college to achieve a Bachelor of Science, with an area major in Learning and Behavior Disorders, imagine that. I probably had a masters in that field by the time I was 14. I had been analyzed by every shrink in my home town, and other towns for that matter. Yeah, I guess you could say that I was pretty much trouble when I was younger. Let me just say this, I knew all of the police officers by name, and they knew mine. If it wasn’t me they were coming to see, it was my parents that were getting the courtesy call.

So anyway, after four years of working two jobs, raising two children (one of those being my ex-husband), I did something no one else in my family had done. I graduated from college. I was so proud of myself. It felt good to accomplish so much while raising my beautiful daughter and just growing up myself. My education, my working so much, and my divorce had caught up with me and I was ready for a break from everything. That’s when the next chapter of my life started.

I finally met a man who treated me nice. I had just sworn off men for a while and wasn’t really looking for anything serious. We started dating, having a good time while I was waiting to start teaching, when it happened again. That’s right, pregnant again! Now, with him having two girls, me having one, and one on the way, I went from one child to four in a matter of months.

He had a good job and that gave me the option to stay home with the kids. I’d always wondered what it would be like to get the kids off to school, be there when they got home, and be able to play with the little one while he was growing up. This would be great! What the hell was I thinking?

It doesn’t stop there. With the two of us being the most fertile people in the world, we quickly had two more children. That’s three babies in three years! The movie “Cheaper By The Dozen” was starting to look within reach. Now I’m looking at four girls and two boys every morning and night. What happened to the big plans that I had? The only time I get to use my education is when I’m putting someone in the “time-out” chair or my husband is coming home from men’s night at the golf course.

The typical “Stay Home Mom” day goes like this:

The clock says 5:15 and my husband is leaving for work. He kisses my head and I say “Good-bye, love you,” as I’m thinking, “If you will hurry up and leave, I may get 45 minutes of precious sleep!” I hear an annoying beeping from the baby monitor upstairs letting me know that my twelve year old daughter, Jorden, is getting up to get ready for school. Next, I hear the familiar sound of the upstairs baby gate being banged on and, “Mommy, I’m up!” from my two year old son Zachary. It’s now 5:50 and my bed is just getting comfortable, but he is consistent with the yells and if I don’t respond quickly everyone will be up. As I make my way to the stairs, shoes, socks, and the day’s clothes ricochet from all parts of my body. At this point I’m realizing that I have yet to pee, but oh well the King awaits. We brush his teeth, get him dressed, and stick our heads in to make sure Jorden is not back in bed. She’s up but not happy to see us, so we head back downstairs. My feet hit the last step when my ten month old, Hayden, is crying out and ready to join the fun. Zach and Hayden get fixed on the couch with me serving them their morning milk cups and turning on “The Wiggles.” Here is the perfect chance for me to finally pee, brush my teeth, and if no one is hitting each other, I get to do my two minute “ready for the day” look.

I empty the dishwasher, with Hayden’s help of course, and start laundry. Laundry is an everyday job when there are so many people. As I fold the clothes coming out of the dryer, the wrecking crew is unfolding them just as fast.

It’s now 7:00 and time for Jorden to leave for school and she is nowhere to be found. I call for her and she rushes down the stairs with wet hair and one shoe on and one shoe off. I remind her that the dogs need to be fed and she gives me the “go to hell!” look and keeps on trucking. Zach wants to go help with the dogs and WWIII starts. Of course, he wins and goes out to assist. So, now we have to spend the next thirty minutes outside waving bye to Jorden and playing outside. My last conversation with anyone over three years old has just passed me by and most of the time it ends with explicit words and “You're mean!” Hayden has had his daily ration of grass, Zach has two new boo-boos, and the monitor sends out yet another call for me to tend to business.

I gather up the troops and head inside to get the long sleeping Morgan. We start the brushing of the teeth and all morning routines, all the while Zach and Hayden see opportunity to touch everything normally off limits. Books everywhere, snacks half chewed, and chairs in places that leaves no doubt that they have crawled in all the upper cabinets. Now we have to clean up again before starting breakfast.

It’s 8:00 and time for pancakes and cheesy eggs. Everyone is worried about helping the other, so nobody is eating. Spilled drinks and scattered eggs make for a wonderful décor, but it just doesn’t go with the rest of the house. Plates are taken to the counter, and the contents that were on the plates don’t always make it. Nothing feels more appealing on bare feet than scrambled eggs.

I glance over at my to-do list as I start another load of laundry. The weekly menu, grocery list, and cleaning downstairs of house are on the board for today. I pop in Barney so I can get started dusting. The inventor of Barney knew just the right amount of time it would take to clean two bathrooms, two bedrooms, dining room, living room, sunroom, and laundry room. I have to participate in the songs and dances when I pass through or they will notice I’m not sitting with them. Amazingly, I manage to be only ten minutes past the “I love you, you love me..” song in finishing.

We head outside again to drain some energy from the rug rats. I try to straighten up the garage a little bit, play kickball, get shot by the bank robbers with the water guns, and manage to keep Hayden from eating more than one pound of mulch. Morgan has had her fair share of sand from the sand box, and everyone is now thirsty. But guess what, it’s 11:00 and time to get ready for lunch.

Once again, another meal full of action. Some are tired, some are hungry, and some just don’t want to cooperate. My only thought is that nap time is around the corner. Not that I will sit down, but at least I can go to the bathroom without an entourage.

After an hour of spilling and cleaning up, we finally make it to nap time. Hayden first, then Zach, then Morgan. Each step involves several visits from the last one standing. And if they don’t come in the room while I am putting one down, I get really nervous. You know the old saying, “while the cat’s away, the mice will play.”

Finally, they are all down and my real fun begins. Scrubbing floors and folding clothes that have been folded once already. I know that I usually have at least 45 minutes before someone wakes up. If I go fast enough I might get to eat and check our endless e-mails on the computer. My fingernails could possibly get painted if they sleep an hour.

It seems like only seconds when the vicious cycle begins again, Zach is up. Morgan has some type of sixth sense that she is missing something, so soon after she wanders from her room. Milk cups, Spongebob, and snacks are in order. The familiar argument of “my mommy!”, “no, my mommy!” starts, and I start reassuring that, even though I can’t believe it, I am the Mommy of both. This fight carries on long enough to raise Hayden from bed. He doesn’t want anyone to touch him until he has his milk. Yeah, he may not like it, but he gets poked and pulled by every part of his body. It’s surprising that his ears aren’t twelve inches long as much as they are pulled and stretched.

We head downstairs to play for a while and try to get the “grumpies” out. While everyone is occupied with toys, I start the menu for next week. I try to think of different things each week, but it seems like the same thing from week to week. Anyway, I use the menu to fill out my grocery list. I have to go upstairs to check if the girls are out of shampoo, lotion, etc. When I return it is like a full blown poopy fest. Everyone has either used the bathroom or needs to.

So, we head back upstairs to get everyone cleaned up before starting supper. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the saying “too many cooks in the kitchen,” but this is definitely what is going on. Some are pulling out all the pots and pans, some have the ingredients spread out on the floor, and some are taste testing a few of the items. I take a minute to clear the kitchen and turn on Barney again. Hey, say what you want but what ever it takes.

Yes, it’s 4:30 and Jorden will be home soon. I know she is only twelve, but the conversation is about to get a little bit more interesting. Plus, she can help entertain the “shorties” for a while. I’m hoping to have supper on the table by 5:00.

Only fifteen minutes late, we sit down for a wonderful experience. Spaghetti sauce is everywhere. Some on shirts, in hair, up noses, and of course, on the floor. No one will quit talking through the whole meal. One is wanting more, one doesn’t want any, and Hayden is just squeezing his with both hands.

We manage to finish supper without me having a nervous breakdown and clean up the mess. Of course, all want to head outside again. I’m ready for that too because I can smoke a cigarette. Man is this the best cigarette I have ever tasted or what? Jorden and I have our routine argument over her after supper chores and everyone is screaming. I’m just watching the clock praying it will go much faster. And of course, someone finds some water and they all get in. So, the outside trip is coming to an end.

We go in to get pj’s on and make milk cups. Snuggling and Spongebob are now in order. I’m just noticing that it’s almost time for Hayden to go to bed. It’s also time for the countdown for Laken and Tristan, my stepdaughters, to arrive with my husband. He picks them up when he gets off work and they stay at our house for the weekend. So, needless to say, Zach and Morgan are getting excited again.

Hayden is gone to bed and we move to the front porch to wait on the arrival of Daddy and the Girls. Jorden gets home from walking the dog when everyone else is arriving. Talk about a circus. Everyone is hugging, chasing, stealing each other's stuff, and for sure fighting. Someone has already made someone else mad about something and I become a referee. But even with the extreme chaos, our family is now complete and I feel good watching the whole gang together.

It’s time to get the other two shorties ready for bed, brushing teeth, prayers, and laying clothes out for tomorrow. After several calls out that they are thirsty, or “I want you to lay with me,” they fall to sleep. It’s starting to get a bit quieter around the house. Then Tristan and Jorden start their routine arguing before bed. Laken is glued to the television because “Drake and Josh” are on. The big kids know that 9:00 is time to be in bed and reading. But when we go to check, some are still watching television. We kiss them good night and talk about what is up the next day for them. Hopefully nothing.

Finally, David and I have a few minutes to relax and talk about our day. Mine is pretty much the same each day, but he entertains me with his day at work. As he is having a bite to eat, I start making out my list of things to do for the next day. It’s really nice to have an adult conversation again. After checking on all the kids, we’re off to bed and rest for tomorrow.

I may not have intended for my life to turn out this way, with all the chaos and not having a job outside the home, but I wouldn’t change it either. It is really tough but very rewarding to see your children growing up right in front of you, and knowing that you have had a huge part of the way they are raised. When I worked two jobs and was raising one child, I always snickered at the women that said they stayed home and they were just worn out. Now I know what they meant. I do still dream of the day that I can get a part-time job, just to get a break from the house. But again, I wouldn’t change my life and would recommend this to any mother. I really couldn’t imagine not being a stay home mom.