Redneck Moms

Rednecks have been ridiculed since time began for being backwards, lazy, and uncivilized. I didn’t realize how many rednecks there were in the world until I moved to the capital of Redneck, USA. Over the course of time, I’ve been properly indoctrinated and have picked up an appalling amount of redneck tendencies. Hallelujah, pass the ammunition, AMEN! I am proud to say that being a Redneck Mom is not only really liberating, it’s sometimes kind of cool.

Only Redneck Moms get to say things like, “You boys get out of that tree before I turn the water hose on you!” and “You kids quit deviling that cat or I’ll light a fire in your pants!”

Only Redneck Moms get to go to Wal-Mart on Saturday in their pajamas.

Only Redneck Moms get to make Halloween costumes out of old sheets, spray paint, and Stitch-witch.

Redneck Moms have a lock on innovation. Can’t afford to spend $400.00 on winter coats, heavy gloves, and snow boots? No problem. Put baggies over hands and feet, add socks – instant gloves and waterproof boots. Cut out the top of a big garbage bag, cut a couple of arm holes and pop it on over a kid’s head – instant waterproofed jacket that doubles as a body-sled. Who knew that Ziplock would be a better insulator than Gore-tex?

Can’t afford a bunch of tools for home repairs? No problem. The Redneck Mom’s tool kit is cheap and easy to assemble. Get a shoe box, a claw hammer, a flat head screwdriver, a Phillips head screw driver, a pair of pliers, some duct tape and some WD-40. If it doesn’t fit – hit it until it does. If it doesn’t turn and should – WD-40 and a pair of pliers will fix things right up. If it turns and shouldn’t – duct tape will do the trick every time. Easy stuff.

Another redneck trick I learned the hard way. I cut my finger pretty badly, on a holiday when there was 18 feet of snow on the ground. Okay, so I’m exaggerating about the snow, just a little. Anyway – there was no way I was going to the ER for stitches. So, I called a girlfriend, and she told me to sterilize the wound, place the flaps of skin together, and apply some Superglue. I was a little leery, so I called the charge nurse at the ER and asked if that would work. She told me that Superglue was cheaper, less painful, and healed faster than stitches. And guess what? Superglue is evidently sterile, so there’s virtually no risk of infection. And you can shower with a Superglue patch. Who knew? I now keep Superglue in my first aid kit.

Other Redneck tricks include using hydrogen peroxide and baking soda as a stain remover. Salt and vinegar will clean copper bottomed pots and sterling silver jewelry. You can use a couple of car batteries, some jumper cables, and some wire coat hangers as an improvised welding rig. It works – I’ve tried it. We also made snow one year using a pressure washer, an air compressor, and some PVC piping. If a light bulb breaks but is still in the socket, cut a potato in half, spear the potato with the broken glass, and slowly turn the potato until the light bulb comes out. You can make play-dough with flour, water, salt, and food coloring. Redneck Moms can make earplugs out of chewed-up paper and pencil erasers.

Redneck Moms change tires the easy way. Loosen the lug nuts before you jack up the car. Once the lug nuts are a little loose, jack the car up just high enough that the tire can spin freely. Then use the tire iron to start the wheel spinning, and hold the tire iron in place. The nuts come the rest of the way off pretty easily. Reverse the process to put the spare on.

Redneck Moms don't take any crap from anyone. Do not mess with a Redneck Mom’s kids. She will sneak up on your car one night and put ping-pong balls or marbles in your gas tank. (Don’t ask me how I know that one.) Redneck kids know how to say, “Yes, Sir” and “Yes, Ma’am”, because Redneck Mom won’t tolerate bad manners. Redneck Mom will also put the fear of God into the neighborhood tyrant by marching his ornery little self straight to his Momma.

Redneck Moms never get taken advantage of on a car lot or by a mechanic.

Redneck Moms can make awesome Christmas tree ornaments out of popsicle sticks and tin foil.

Redneck Moms look out for each other, too. If a Redneck Mom is involved in some sort of tragedy, there’s another Redneck Mom stepping up to baby-sit, clean house, cook dinner, and pray for you in church.

I love being a Redneck Mom.